The darkness is coming…

Put the Suntan lotion away summertime… that’s plenty. “Wow you guys get a summertime in Scotland? What was it one day last week?” PATCH THAT CHAT!…we’re the only ones allowed to say stuff like that. Us Scottish people. I’m so Scottish (and inbred) that my mum is younger than…That’s how Scottish I am, baby!

A mixed bag the summer months for me. I learned how to demonstrate the various different members of the Shark Family through dance. My usual Father’s Day backfired this year when I told my dad I’d got him an electric razor when I’d actually got him a sex toy for a giggle…I was the one left red faced when he stood there ribbing his face with it for 5 minutes before telling me “to go get some new blades”. 

I tried to sell my car with the usual sign with phone number in the back window….no buyers but half of Ayrshire took great delight in texting me to tell me what a nugget I drive like. 

Good points I almost managed to avoid attending ANY weddings which is always a plus for a Social Handgrade like myself. In saying that I write this while trying to desperately avoid going to my inlaws’ wedding reception. I shouldn’t laugh at that, I’m Not saying she’s desperate for love but I did she her outside a B&Q in a wedding dress

That’s unfair, her boyfriend is a good guy even if he does look like the IT department of a Wimpy. (that’s right Wimpy I’m retro fitting and refusing to update my references which by anti purpose hipster account technically means I’m bringing them bang up to date)

In all truth I was not ready for the summer to end. Not that is was a scorcher of anything by Ayrshire standards. You’re more likely to drowned than sunburned. I swear during one of the heavy rain seasons it go so bad a junkie Kayaked down my street in a canoe chasing his half empty bottle of Lucozade (the jakey champagne) down the street bobbling in the water like Wilson the Volleyball in Castaway.

Alright that didn’t happen!

But we had some glorious times over the summer. I legit loved taking the kids to the beach every night after school, perhaps for the first time since I was a kid, truly relishing the amazing Ayrshire scenery and totally avoiding this year getting stung by a Ned Bee (Wasp). 

Although it did come with its ups and downs. Lots of fun, great gigs, enjoyed work…. realised I’d been calling my neighbour the wrong name for 14 years. 14 YEARS!!!! 

But then we leave the golden syrupy embrace of the summertime and enter the dark treacly grasp of the winter.

It starts off with the Solstice, mornings get darker, the weather colder, the days shorter and some Bam starts banging on about how many days it is till Christmas.


Old ladies take to the streets with a sea of shopping trolleys and snappy Wee dugs. Gleefully shambling up to solemn looking souls at bus stops just to go: “The nights are fair drawing in Muahahahahah” *Narrows eyes* Get away from me you witch! In truth I like the Winter…I don’t like the shorter days and the constant battle against the street lights coming on. 

Before I started the radio that was an easy fight I could always win (and will again someday) but when the winter months kick in true and I’m juggling 20 days of gigs and Panto, daylight becomes as rare as teeth on a Jeremy Kyle contestant (or are they just called Car Park Pirates, Dweebs, Plebs, Bams etc.) 

Sounds busy Billy….Oh aye, I’m doing MEGA Well. I have four figures in my bank account…and one of them is a minus!

But we do all run ourselves into the ground, running around like some Bin Bag Batman, all gravel voiced, dressed up from head to foot in whatever waterproof garb we can find to brave the elements. 

In saying that, last year we braved the worst winter elements in MARCH. Hate snow…HATE IT. Like being stuck in a giant tub of ice cream nobody will ever eat cause it was left in the freezer with the top off the tub. Utterly pointless and designed just to annoy. 

Lasts year’s Halloween (or as I like to call it the Goth Christmas) my Gran cut me from her will when she found out that due to her appearance being like a wee old man I’d been nick naming her “Granny Devito” for about 20 years.

Worth it!

I can’t wait for Halloween. Already got my costume all set. Something that everyone will recoil in horror from, run screaming, simply it sends a cold chill down anyones spine…This year I’m going out as Brexit. You can’t miss me, I’ll be dressed as Blue Passport wearing a berret with a flag hanging out my bumhole. 

At least I have resisted the usual Halloween trope of just buying whatever outfit from the shop they are trying to offload by putting with the word “Sexy” in title. Like Sexy Fireman, Sexy Accountant, Sexy Greggs worker, Sexy Avocado (an actual thing)….When did Avocado become so big? They’re just the Hipster Apple!

So where were we? 

I was worried that was going to go too dark…talk about some of the bleakness that exists in every day life but we can’t help but laugh at in order to survive?

Let me make this clear. I consider myself a good man, kind, with a solid handle on morality and what it takes be a positive person. I’ll stop at pretty much every dog I see and give it a clap…true, I usually end up getting too into it and end up whispering “I love dogs”. Every time I stop and stroke a dog I always whisper “I love you more than my kids”…but like all of us…it’s hard not to laugh at evil stuff.

Outside I might look like cross between a Metal Head and Forrest Gump, when he’s been running for a few months but inside I’m a cheerleader called Kimberly. All sweetness, light and barfing Rainbows. 

As much as I try to have a happy and joyful existence…life on the road as a comic can be as bleak as a bin full of clown shoes. Don’t believe me…I was recently booked for a gig in Barnsley down south. Now I’m not giving Barnsley a hard time. I really liked gigging there and hopefully will again, but on this day it was not represented well at all. I guess I kicked it off by travelling down by Mega Bus for the first time. Which combines all the excitement or being an hour late with the delights of smelling ever type of pee ever.  I was in town to perform at a Burlesque Show. No, no! I was doing stand up. No one needs to see me with my top off. I look like a melted candle. The show was great, I actually do that loads. Lots of people go…That must be awesome backstage. Nah – I’ve been married 15 years – I think I’m kind of off looking at naked folk. I’ve seen all kinds. I’ve completed them Like a football sticker album all done, what do I win?

In a ten minute walk from bus station to a venue I witness two old ladies having a fight in wheelchairs like “Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots” in American movies – I wondered who’s gonna win that?Gravity probably! 

Even getting accosted by the most aggressive charity worker ever, demanding that I sign to give away clothes every month. You don’t want my clothes, Hen! I mean, look at what I’m wearing! Imagine what I’d give away for free!

Based on this I decided to abandon going exploring, all I think I was going to find was a burnt down Lidl’s and a man called Malky who can fire a glass eye like a volcano if you give him a £1 (best money I ever spent). 

Arriving back today in Scotland and heading down to Ayrshire today with it teeming it down. The nights are drawing in…looking forward to ruining Christmas.

Also I discovered something taxi drivers don’t like today. Hugs goodbye!

Ho Ho Ho everyone.