By, Billy Kirkwood

Its hot, it’s sticky…….I could have phrased that a WHOLE lot better….it’s Summer time folks.

Oh yes here we are already half way through 2019…woah woah don’t go reaching for those Quality Street and Crimbo decorations just yet – and if you’re that guy that has them up all year round…SANTA HATES YOU – Its time for a little summer fun and that’s why we got hotter Dragons Sauna. You know when its so roasting you think your either gonna melt or hitting the Menopause way earlier than planned…which for me I’m always worried about.  Actually a bed this time of year is like trying to snuggle up to a three bar fire…NOT recommended. It might be the only the time in a couple’s life that you kinda hope you have an argument so one of can go sleep in the spare room cause well lets face it…its a lot cooler. 

“Yasss I’m in the spare room…gimmie an S..gimmie and P..”

“What you doing?…are those Party Poppers?!”

“NO!…and don’t come in I feel your body heat through the door you bloody walking Volcano!”

School’s finished, You’re moving up…Summer for me is always nostalgic cause I remember the first summer I passed my driving test…pure Magnum PI….if the Magnum was the Ice Cream and Porsche was the 2000 Ford Focus Ghia. 

I had to and I mean…HAD to learn to drive cause I kept making an idiot of myself on public transport and I hailed a black cab and a pigeon landed on my backpack but I didn’t notice till then when I got in the back and the taxi started up the pigeon went mental. 

Then the worst things is the taxi driver booted me out in the middle of Pollok accusing me being a fucking magician. And buses don’t stop for you when you look like you’ve been humped by Big Bird off Sesame Street…I’m still finding feathers even to this day.  

Though the smartest thing I probably ever saw was on a bus in Killie, this old lady was sitting across from me with a zone card and when the inspector turned up she suddenly pretended she was asleep. Until he walks up , wakes her up, checks her Bus card and goes “excuse me but this is card is a month out of date.”And she says…“Christ I must have been asleep a long time!” “YOU SHOW HIM HEN!!!”

I remember when I got my first ever parking ticket, I felt like the universe had cheated me, a £200 spot fine for parking in Glasgow. Which is crap cause it only only cost me about £200 quid off my mate’s Grandad!

If I was president of the world, on planet Billy your parking fine would be in line with how much your car is worth. If it was one of those giant bright pink Limo Hummers your see hen nights in, spot fine £1million pounds.  

And if you drive a £200 brown Lada traffic wardens wouldn’t give you a ticket they’d just leave you vouchers for Silverburn and box of Pizza Vouchers to help you out.

It was a real surprise to me as I was/am rubbish at driving. And not just rubbish I mean like really bad….I believe the technical term is “Pish”. Like you know when ever someone lets you through you give a little wave. I was concentrating so hard on the wave I nearly hit the person I was waving at. And you don’t get told everything, like….

To read the full article please subscribe to Ayrshire Magazine.

Subscribe to AM